01
Hyperscale provisioning
Optimized for maximum latency.
Every packet is hand-delivered by a cat on a Segway that we devious-licked from the Trump–Epstein Memorial Ballroom.
News to you Somebody paid real money to register fartknot.club
The CEO's office
is full of
used tissues.
We asked why. His excuse was “E.R.P.” Our best guess is enterprise resource planning brings him to tears. The door remains locked. Accounting has stopped asking.
No credit card accepted. No product delivered. No adult willing to put this in writing.
- Ping
- 666ms
- Uptime
- until somebody says “tiny change” at 4:58 PM
- Cooling
- 1 box fan on parole
LIVE MARKETING CAM // HR REQUESTED NO AUDIO
REC
CAM_04 / LARRY / AGAIN
Trusted by corporate cadavers whose Wikipedia pages end like police reports
ENRON
THERANOS
FTX
BLOCKBUSTER
OCEANGATE
juicero
Hyperscale stupidity
We accidentally built a game server. Shit.
Then somebody connected Stripe. Now it’s $69 a month to watch your Minecraft server die in a room warm enough to destroy DNA.
02
DDoS-ish protection
Protected by 8 furry hacker twinks on a Discord call.
They are paid in Bad Dragon coupons and Taco Bell DoorDashes.
PACKETS→DISCORD→DENY
Disaster recovery
Our backup strategy is crying in the shower.
03
24/7 technical support
Tech support died. We taxidermied him onto a Roomba.
He still closes more tickets than the living staff. HR calls this “knowledge retention.”
04
Off-site backups
Your backup is in a vape-shop bathroom.
It’s on a sticky USB labeled “DIVORCE / TAXES / DO NOT PLUG IN.” The password is custodybattle.
05
White-glove incident response
Our lawyer eats subpoenas through the mail slot.
Her name is Attorney-Client Privilege. Your server stays dead; the chain of custody comes out in the yard tomorrow.
WARN Backups stopped in March. Nobody knows which March.
FUCK The production database contains a folder named “DO NOT SHOW MOM.”
WARN The intern has been promoted to defendant.
INFO Cooling fan stopped spinning and began smelling like a class action.
Workplace telemetry
Our lead dev wears a Lovense to work.
We added a “STIMULATE GEORGE” button as a prank. He begged us to keep it. We did.
Every click is logged as professional development.We spent your hosting budget on five browser games.
Your Minecraft world is ash, but we did make Tetris.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKEDCongratulations. You found everything we built instead of your server.
Five games. Zero backups. Your bank statement will list a church.
Unsealed court exhibits
Victim statements
Real words from real friends who can no longer make eye contact with us.
EXHIBIT A★★★★★ 10/10 somehow
"Before FartKnot, I was a straight guy getting a nice education. Now, I became a rainbow-furred freak and lost everyone I knew to the demon that now keeps me in the closet. 10/10 would recommend!"- TheNewMobian
EXHIBIT █★★★★★ partially declassified
"The absolute amazement I feel as a result of this gaming service, Never in my life have i felt more violated, truly the best website of all time, 10/10 would get pissed on by a cat again"- Klaytox
EXHIBIT 621★★★★☆ needs more knot
"8/10: good game servers, but the community isn't obsessed enough with knots. Try e621, they have plenty."- Shepherd & Eden
Testimonials preserved verbatim, including spelling, punctuation, and whatever happened to everybody involved.
Pick your blast radius
Data loss at every budget.
Every plan includes complimentary data loss, emotional damage, and a screenshot of somebody else’s Venmo.
Panic Room Trial
$0/until located
For users whose credit score has started using a fake name.
- ✓ Login portal running on a Game Boy Color
- ✓ Backups stored in a sandwich bag under the CFO’s mattress
- ✓ Support response written in lipstick on a subpoena
- ✓ IPv4 shared with the hotel ice machine
Most regretted
Degenerate Pro
$69/month, allegedly
For serious gamers with non-serious browser histories and a debit card already reported missing.
- ✓ Everything in Panic Room
- ✓ Screenshot-of-Venmo payment system
- ✓ 8GB premium-grade downloadable RAM
- ✓ Priority neglect from Sucky Bot
Enterprise Hostage Plan
Your dignity/quarter
For companies that say “family” immediately before a layoff and expense steakhouse cocaine as culture spend.
- ✓ SLA notarized by a horse
- ✓ Dedicated account parasite
- ✓ SOC 2-ish, ISO-curious, GDPR avoidant
- ✓ CEO apology before the next documentary
* Prices exclude tax, bail, and the $11.38 “FLOOR MEAT” fee. Cancel by defeating our CFO in single combat.
Frequently avoided questions
You have questions.
Support is on two Xanax and a bottle of wine.
Will this subscription host anything?+
No. It buys one receipt, zero hosting, and a support ticket pre-closed as user error.
Will any button charge me?+
No. We have no payment processor. Even the bank saw fartknot.club and asked whether you were being held at gunpoint.
Where is my data stored?+
Nothing is sent to us. High scores stay in your browser. Our analytics department fled the country before sentencing.
Can I speak to a human?+
No. The last human support agent left behind a loaded stapler and a resignation letter addressed to God.